Little Realizations... are ok... maybe

 3 months after turning 50 and maybe, just maybe, more thoughts are cogitating - while hiking - then easily lost! Is that a factor of having a middle-aged mind??!! I honestly remember thinking as I hiked, these musings are worth writing down, they're interesting and deep. Apparently not so much.

Essentially, it just seemed to dawn on me that I've never been more comfortable in my body. Sure, there are crows feet, grey hairs, glimpses of spider veins and thighs that feature the most beautiful mature head-of-cauliflower texture! But 25 years ago I was more self consciousness and didn't have any of these age-related joys to blame for it. My body healed from physical injuries 3x faster but was slower to heal from  mental setbacks, hated setting boundaries, stating my needs and gave little thought to finding gratitude in a thousand things a day - despite having SO MUCH to be grateful for! 

We forget that the cost of experience - vital in gaining perspective and wisdom - is kinda high. You give up the first half of your life for it, put yourself out there and have to pull yourself back together when vulnerability bites you in the less-cauliflowered ass.  Rejection, grief, humiliation and feeling emotionally exhausted by obligations, commitments and adulting on a full time basis actually does  change a person for the better but it's not fun. Exercising muscles of "soldiering on", "trying new things" and "facing challenge" helps them grow in strength, adapt to change and create a certain muscle memory of the process... so you're more ready to attack a problem faster and better next time.  

And then there's the part where you just learn over time that the sun really will come out tomorrow. If my first choice for President is not elected, I'll survive. If I get sick, I'll recover. If interest rates rise, I'll figure it out. If work is slow, I know that's to be expected from time to time and it will pick up again. And if my heart is broken, it will heal and with that new scar will come more compassion, lessons learned and a new path to potential that I might never have had the opportunity to realize otherwise.

I'd like to say that I'm there. Anxiety is a thing of the past, confidence reigns supreme every day and it's easy to remember to grateful for all that I have and all that I've become. I'm not there yet. But what I lack in my own experience and wisdom, I have resourced from friends that have gotten there before me. I used to believe that retired people were just that... put out to pasture, a diluted and worn out version of their younger selves. I was an idiot! In my defense (which I don't deserve) I just didn't know what I didn't know. 

My older friends are my greatest teachers, the strongest people in life and those with the perspective to actually see the world more as it really is - verses filtered through irrational emotions and ignorance. :-)