Get Deliberate
Letting go of certainty is one of my greatest challenges. I even have a physical response to "not knowing" - it's anxiety and fear and vulnerability combined. That's when I have to get very quiet and still. With my busy life, that can mean hiding in the garage or driving around the block. Whatever it takes, I have to find a way to be still so I can hear what I'm saying.
Amen, sister!
In another of my favorite books; Gaia's Garden, I found an introduction to the permaculture principle related to the edge of an environment - The place where different pieces click together, is where diversity abounds, materials accumulate and translate and an abundance of potential exists. It's also where species are likely most vulnerable at first...
I know that from the outside looking in, it can make other people wholey uncomfortable to see me head out into the wilderness or desert to be alone (and vulnerable). I have very well meaning and loving friends express concern that I will be unsafe, bored or lonely. They might even share sympathy that I haven't found a friend to take with me.
But the truth is, I am deliberate. I deliberately don't invite anyone. I deliberately choose places and times of year that offer the most solitude. I deliberately devote time to listening to what I'm saying.
And yes, in those first few hours alone, as I get my feet under me and my own (often dark) thoughts begin to take voice, there is considerable anxiety... the type that comes with nausea and appetite loss! But I know it will pass as I step out of my comfortable environment and inch toward that place where a new environment begins - and stay there a while. As I start to embrace my own potential, I feel energized.
It makes a lot of sense to me that humans have both a deep need for certainty and also need for uncertainty in their lives. The far edges of my normal environment is where uncertainty lies... but it's also the place where my voice gives me answers (to questions I didn't even know I had) and leaves me feeling more certain. A bit magical really.
Final thought: There are brief moments (those dark thoughts I mentioned) when I question my belonging. After all, this periodic tendancy to go solo is hard for almost anyone I know to really understand and that makes me feel "different".
Then my friends call me while I'm on the road to make sure I'm safe and happy.
My inner voice (now louder and wiser) reminds me that fitting in and belonging are VERY different animals. Fitting in would probably see me curb my enthusiasm for solo trips so that I better matched my people. Belonging is where I'm accepted and loved by my people - just the way I am!
